Deborah Heal

The Moral of the Story Is . . .

I’m on chapter four of a Christian young adult novel. It starts out with an interesting premise, involves time travel, great characters, and excellent writing. I’ve loved it so far and can’t wait to see what happens. Review to come.

But I was a bit startled in chapter four when the main character suddenly begins calling upon God to help her. It’s not that she shouldn’t, but why did she not do so at any of the scarier, more suspenseful events that happened in the first three chapters?

In another Christian YA novel I recently read, a parody of Hell fire and brimstone preaching was the only “inspirational” element I found, at least before putting it down only half read.

It’s not that I purchase Christian fiction hoping to be preached at. This is what I was subjected to in another book—really a sermon disguised as a novel—by another best-selling author.

Her 16-year-old character had me rolling my eyes on more than one occasion. I lost track of how many interruptions to the actions I endured while she thought spiritual thoughts and prayed. That probably makes me sound like a heathen. But like most people, what I’m looking for is a good story with believable but heroic characters. And by heroic I don’t mean perfect, sugary sweet, able to spout Bible verses and Christian jargon with a single bound.

 

And I know I’m not the only one put off by this. These are excerpts from actual Amazon.com reviews of a Christian novel:

The book started really well, and I saw it as very promising, especially with accurate historical references . . . But as it dragged on, it became less of a novel and more of a over-religious Christian story. . . .The exaggerated evils and virtues of the main characters became a bit too hard to swallow as the story progressed.

. . . once the heavy-duty Christian proselytizing began, my interest waned. . . once I started feeling beaten about the head and shoulders with a religion stick, the author lost me.

I kept ignoring the signs, hoping the christian theme was just a plot element, but at exactly 62% in, I started getting hit hard with the proselytizing. I have to give the book 4 stars because the writing is awfully good, but if you're like me and can't tolerate christian fiction, skip this one and read . . .

Now I realize we’ll never please everyone. Some nonbelieving readers will be offended at any whiff of Christianity. On the other hand, some Christian readers will be offended by the slightest bit of realism. But to reach the widest audience with the gospel through our fiction, we must continue to hone our skills--with characterization, dialogue, plot, but also our weaving skills. We must learn to weave biblical values and themes throughout so we aren’t left with trying to patch them onto the story.

 

HOW NOT TO WRITE HISTORICAL FICTION

I want to talk about the other Christian novel I mentioned last time.

Since it “takes a fresh look at the idea of time travel” I thought I would give it a try. This is the debut novel for this author, but even so, shouldn’t she (and her editor) know better than to write this?

Then Kyle and Jackson squeezed in between Jenna and I on the couch. (Ouch! My ears hurt.)

I noticed her rubbing her lower back as her wearied face winced. (This disembodied face is creeping me out.)

She is my confidant. (confidant what? Oh, she means confidante.)

Eddie didn’t believe it was proper for a housemaster to open his own door. (She is trying to give an 1887 tone to the writing, but I’ve never heard of a housemaster. Is this some college dorm monitor? I think she means the master of the house.)

William heeded me no attention. (This almost works.)

After all, she and I spent our weekdays together at prep. (She keeps referring to her school as “prep.” She could have pulled it off if she had ever once given the name of the school. Like maybe Johnsonville Girls’ Preparatory School, so we’d know what the heck she’s talking about. Even then “prep” should be Prep. In any case this nickname for the school doesn’t sound like something a young woman from 1887 would say.

I never voiced that opinion to anyone except Jackson and William since it was unheard of in our home. (What does this even mean?)

Even for a woman of her stature, she had a petite and delicate grace about her. (This is an amazing achievement, although I’m not sure it’s a compliment to say her grace is only petite.)

I took a deep breath and tried to force myself on my calculus but couldn’t concentrate to save my life. (This is illegal in most southern states.)

“Come on in,” she hollered to Hilary. (Hollered is such an unlovely word and so out of character for the time period. I’d just stick to “said.”

In 1887 I really doubt people used the same idioms/slang we do.

 I grew up having a crush on Jackson. 

At least I had one person I could count on.

William came running out of the house to read me the riot act.

And this is just a sampling from the first few chapters!  I couldn’t take it anymore. Blood running from my eyes and ears from the pain, I stopped reading and threw the book across the room. Once again, Christian fiction let me down. And then I wondered if it even was “Christian.” After all, is it Christian to torture readers, to risk the lives of others in the room when the books start flying? But then again, even this book serves a purpose: practice for the author and a warning to us all to continue striving for excellence.

 

 

HOW NOT TO WRITE CHRISTIAN FICTION

I keep trying to find good Christian fiction.

I really do. In recent weeks I read two historical novels, one a debut, and one by a bestselling author with many titles to her credit. Both shall remain nameless here. I will not, as I first intended, write book reviews for them for Amazon or GoodReads, because my purpose is not to bash them or belittle their efforts. Heaven knows how difficult it is to write a novel.   Instead, let’s learn from their weaknesses.

POINT OF VIEW

Readers count on getting into the head of the main character on the first page, so if your main character is Mae, and you’re telling the story from her point of view, don’t begin chapter one from Hal’s:

“The winter of ’92 is gonna go down as one to the worst we’ve ever seen.” Hal Murphy grumbled as he dumped the sack of flour on the store counter. . .He turned toward Mae Wilkey, the petite postmistress. . .

If you’re telling the story with a limited narrator from the point of view of Mae’s character, don’t suddenly go omniscient like the author does here:

She put a smile on every man’s face, but she wasn’t often aware of the flattering looks she received.

WORD CHOICE FOR THE TIME PERIOD

If the story is set in 1870’S, don’t use contemporary terminology and slang: She wouldn’t use the exclamation “Hot Dog!” The term wasn’t coined until the 1900’s. She wouldn’t “date” a man. Nor would she say “heads would roll.”

She wouldn’t call her brother a “teen,” or describe him as born with “special needs,” definitely a modern euphemism.

LOGIC/CONSISTENCY

If her brother is mentally challenged, don’t say he’s a “quick learner” and have him managing the kitchen/household for her while she’s gone. (And how did he learn to cook anyway, since she doesn’t know how and they live alone?)

Know about the topic you’re writing about. Dogs and cats don’t eat “mash” (ground grain). And one thousand pound (overgrown, old) sows don’t bring premium price at the market.

And it’s not likely two women could or would butcher one alone, at night, in North Dakota in mid-January, with a pack of hungry dogs watching politely, when the hog has been lying in the road dead all day. Nor would they be able to sink fence posts in the frozen ground to build a fence. I’m just saying.

WORD CHOICE FOR PRECISION

They might eat into them, but don’t say “ freight costs vs. profits.”

Don’t imply two things are happening simultaneously when that’s not even possible: “He emerged, turning to lock the door.”

“The houses were built so close you could spit on the neighborhood.” Really?

 “His right hand felt the tears in his coat.” This is creepy.

If you’re going to use a cliché, get it right: not “tingling in the pit of his gut” or “snow particles.” And how can everything in town be “shut tighter than a tick burrowed in?”

“She sighed and twirled [they’re dancing] like the fanciest-reared lady.” That’s a bit racy.

CHRISTIAN FICTION

Including a parody of a Hell-fire and brimstone preachers as your only reference to anything Christian doesn’t make this into a Christian novel. And by the way, such a preacher wouldn’t condone dancing either.

 

You might be thinking these snippets come from the debut author I mentioned. But you would be wrong. This author has scores of titles to her credit. To me, the worst thing about this low caliber writing is because it is labeled “Christian.” I’m with Franky Schaeffer, who says Christians should reclaim the arts, striving for excellence in order to bring honor and glory to God in all arenas of life.

Let’s keep on striving until readers stop putting our books down with a sneer. Can I hear an amen?

 

Honor at Stake: the Manuscript!

My second child went to first her day of kindergarten and I’m waiting to see what she learned at school.

You’ve seen those lists of people the author thanks at the beginning of her novel. Well, for my second book, I’ll have a list too! I put my manuscript for Honor at Stake* (the sequel to Time and Again) into the hands of my volunteer Feed Back Buddies today, and I can’t wait to hear what they have to say.

I’ve asked them to read the manuscript for its logical content, to tell me places where:

Sentences are unclear

Information is missing

Continuity is broken

Character motivation seems unrealistic

Or any other things they think of when they read it.

Also, this morning joined an online critique group called Scribophile where my book will be critiqued in return for my critique of others’ work. It means one more thing that will take me away from writing, but in addition to getting attention for my book, it should be good writing analysis practice for me.

Then, after all the editing/revision is completed, I’ll ask for help again—this time to proofread for typos, spelling and punctuation errors, etc. This is the order of events I taught my creative writing students, but with Time and Again my publishing company did it in reverse order—proofreading first and then revising afterward. I knew that was a recipe for problems, and sure enough several typos (introduced during revision) made it into the published book. I’m going to trust myself more this time around.

And finally, I’ll have a manuscript ready to send out into the publishing world. (After I find an agent. More about that later.)

I didn’t have the courage to ask for feedback with the first book. I was entirely too chicken to let anyone but family see it. I think the sequel, Honor at Stake, will be better for having a trial run before I send it for publication. I am so grateful for those who are taking the time out of busy lives to help with this.

If you’d like to be one of my Feed Back Buddies email me at debbie@deborahheal.com.

*Honor at Stake is the working title. Maybe my Feed Back Buddies can think of a better one.

Here’s Another Chance for a Sneak Preview of Honor at Stake!

I'm not sure how many chapters I'll share on my blog, but here's chapter two. Let me know what you think of it.

 

Download Honor at Stake CH 2 

 

Author Notes on Chapter 2

Chapter two is still part of the introductory portion of the story. It continues to build the characters and three of the four plot threads. Of course, the historical story-within-a-story will have its own plot threads as well.  

In Time and Again, I was trying for the spare, literary style I studied in college. I’m still using 3^rd person point of view and following only Abby, the main character. But, this time I’m getting into her head more. (This is called authorial intrusion.)  Now I find I have more opportunities to grow Abby’s character and show her imperfections more (we don’t want her too perfect). I think it works better. What do you think?  

I decided Abby should have a bit more sass and not be so dang sweet this time. Hopefully, however, she doesn’t seem too different from Time and Again. (Notice her sarcastic thoughts in the girly gift shop.)

Tim, the Polish computer geek is a minor character, but even minor characters must have distinguishing characteristics.  My theory is that it’s okay to make minor characters a bit stereotypical. I just hope I didn’t go overboard. What do you think of him? Just so you know, the terms he uses come from an actual online geek lexicon I found. Besides being around to solve technical problems, Tim also serves as a foil for John. See if you can find places where Tim makes John look good.

I’ve had several people tell me how much they were intrigued by Michael and that I should give him more of a role in the story. I love little Michael, but I didn’t want to develop him anymore than I had.  In Time and Again, he’s a symbol of Merri’s whole weird community, but also a symbol of hope, I think.  Merri’s character grows as she learns to care for someone else, someone worse off than she is. In Honor at Stake he plays a small, but important role in getting our main characters to the next mysterious house they’ll encounter.

Kate shows up in book II. In chapter 2 she's still an absent character, but look for her to show up in person later on. And look for her to play a major role in book III. (More about that later!) Once again, she is a foil for Abby.  She's a peer to whom Abby can confide things she can't say to any of the other characters. She helps create suspense about the mysterious computer program. And Kate reminds readers that Abby has a whole other life outside of tiny, rural Miles Station.

The Rough Draft Is Done! Want a Sneak Preview?

Now It's Time to Revise and I Need Your Help!

 

Here's What to Look For in a Successful Chapter One:

1. It must describe the setting
2. Introduce the major characters
3. Sketch the situation they face (the conflict)
4. And most importantly hook the reader into coming along for the ride.

The first chapter of a sequel has its own special challenges.

All the above must be present, but the backstory of the first book must also be

woven in.

 It must be done sparingly and logically, because no one likes to have huge junks of backstory clumsily dumped on them.

1. It must give the backstory without annoying the reader who hasn’t read the first book.
2. Even though the sequel is an extension of the first book, it must be able to stand alone as a complete story.

 

Please take a sneak peak of chapter one and then let me know if I have achieved the goals above.  Thanks! I look forward to hearing from you.

Download HONOR AT STAKE ch 1

 

Please discuss it in the comment section below this post. Here are some questions to get you started, but feel free to comment about anything you like.

1. Have I left out any important factors from Time and Again that readers will need to know?
2. Does chapter one of Honor at Stake make sense without having read the first book?
3. Does it bog down or annoy you with excessive explanations about the first book?
4. Does it make you want to read the first book?
5. Are there any unclear sentences?
6. Any word choices that you find jarring?
7. Any passages that drag?
8. Any characters who don’t seem realistic or believable?
9. The contemporary part of the story has four plot threads, three of which are presented in chapter one. Does chapter one clearly hint at them?
   1. The romantic subplot of Abby and John’s relationship
   2. Merri and her dysfunctional family situation
   3. Convincing John the computer program really does allow for virtual time travel

Think Like a Lawyer

I'm so glad I had an excuse to include a photo of Matthew M. on my blog.  What a fine lawyer he was the movie.  But I digress.

When you edit and revise, as I'm doing these days for Honor at Stake, it helps to think  like a lawyer. That is, don’t leave loopholes in your sentences.  Here’ a perfect example of a statement that wouldn’t hold up in court:

 

 

The football coach told the quarterback that he would be calling all plays during the game.

 

 I object, Your Honor. Does the witness mean the quarterback or the coach himself will call the plays?

 

Can you spot the loopholes in these sentences?

 Susie told her sister that a wad of chewing gum was stuck in her hair.

Often when we have arguments with our friends they are soon forgotten.

When the cup dropped onto the glass table it broke.

Carla and Sam hadn’t seen their parents for three weeks. They had been in Canada.

I was fascinated with the theme of the book, but I didn’t particularly like it.

Rosa phoned Lisa while she was in Miami.

Scott and his father washed his car.

 

Knowing what you mean and conveying that meaning to others are two different things. Don't get impatient when others misunderstand your communication. Get better at being precise.

 By the way, think like a lawyer, but don’t WRITE like one. Strive for simple and concise.

 

 

Leap Frogging the Action

Writers are always being told to "show, don't tell."  But you don't want to slow down the action and suspense by including too much of the daily mundaned details of life. No one wants to read about your hero brushing his teeth, using the bathroom, or clipping his toe nails. That would be just a little too real.  What to do? Just leapfrog over the boring parts. In the following selection from my ROUGH draft of Honor at Stake there are three jumps. Notice the xxxxx's that mark a time lapse See what you think. I'd love your comments on how I'm doing so far. 

 

 

 

 

“Hey, I was just about to go get you, ghosts or not,” Merri said as Abby came limping up, John at her side. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine.” Abby said.  

“Hey, man, how’d it go?” Tim said.

“Thanks to you, we found what we were looking for.”

“Merri, we found Frances and her husband. His name is Rube.” She stopped. There was no sense reminding Merri that Frances was going to die in childbirth.

 “Come on, Abby,” John said. “Let’s get you home so I can take a look at your leg.”

“Yeah, dude, I noticed she has great legs,” Tim said.

John shoved Tim toward the car. “She’s hurt, you moron. And it’s time for you to go home.”

 

*************

Abby was sitting on a wooden chair in Lucy’s kitchen, her injured leg propped up on John’s thigh where he squatted in front of her. He frowned fiercely at her. “You should have told me how bad it was. I would have taken you home right away.”

Merri came in, carrying an assortment of first aid supplies. “Here,” she said. “You can clean the blood and dirt away with these wipes. I don’t know if any of these bandages will fit.”

“Thanks.” John winked at Merri. “You may need to give her a shot of whiskey and a leather belt to bite down on.”

“I hope she doesn’t kick you,” Merri answered.

“Could you please stop talking like I’m unconscious?” Abby said. “It’s no big—”

John tentatively touched the medicated wipe to her calf and she jumped. “Oww! That hurts.”

“Now who’s being a baby?”

“I am not …a… baby.” Abby took a deep breath and let it out. “And to prove it, I’m going on a quest at the library tomorrow.”

John dabbed more disinfectant on Abby’s leg. “That doesn’t sound like much of a challenge.”

“Humph,” Merri said. “You obviously haven’t met Dragon Lady.”

 

 

 

Chapter 10

 

Abby sat down at the computer station. “Now that we know Frances’s husband’s name, we should be able to find them in the census records.”

 “Yeah, but what kind of name is Rube?” Merri said.

“That’s probably a nickname, but it will help—if I can remember how to maneuver around this site.”

“I’m going to go look for stuff about Lewis and Clark,” Merri said.

 “Good. But try to hurry. If we’re lucky we can get out of here before Grendel scents us here in her lair and comes back to crunch our bones.”

“Grendel?”

“Well, not Grendel,” Abby said absent mindedly. “More like Grendel’s mother.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind, Merri. Go read up on Lewis and Clark.”

xxxxx

Abby heard a muffled thump and looked up from the computer monitor. Merri had just set a stack of books on the library table. Abby smiled distractedly at her. “Looks like you found plenty of information.”

“Yeah. I found some good stuff. How about you?”

Readers Prefer Picture Books

No not books with pictures. Books that help the reader form pictures.

Fuzzy Memories

Jack Handey made his career as a humorist by being vague. Here's an example of one of his "Fuzzy Memories."

When I was a kid, the people next door had this little yappy poodle that I used to make fun of all the time. I thought it was real stupid-looking and annoying. But let me tell you, I didn't make fun of it after the time it saved my life. How did it save my life? It's a long story. Too long to tell here. But I can tell you it was full of excitement and danger, and afterwards I never made fun of that poodle again.
Well, I suppose I can at least try to tell the story. I'm still not sure I believe it myself, so many strange and fantastic things happened. Briefly what happened, though, is this: I was walking across a vacant lot near my house when I heard a noise. I turned. You know what? This story is just too hard to try to tell here. Just believe it when I say that the poodle came out of nowhere to attack a cobra.
Where did the cobra come from? Okay, I guess I can at least tell that part. No, I'm going to change my mind again. It's just too hard to explain--although if I did explain it, you would be glued to the edge of your seat.
Maybe someday I'll tell the story of the poodle and the cobra. No, I won't. It's a good one though.

Readers Prefer Picture Books

Jack Handey's story is so vague, so absolutely lacking in detail, that it's funny. But that's not amusing in a real story. The reader needs details in order to create pictures in their heads as they read.  Research has proven that:

Good readers construct mental images as they read a text. By using prior knowledge and background experiences, readers connect the author's writing with a personal picture. Visualizing is the creation of mental images while reading or listening to text. Mental images are created from the learner’s emotions and senses, making the text more concrete and memorable. Imagining the sensory qualities of things described in a text can help engage learners and stimulate their interest in the reading. When readers form pictures in their minds, they are also more likely to stick with a challenging text.

 Book or Movie?

This is why sometimes after reading a good book I can’t remember later whether I read  the book or watched the movie. Here's another empty, vague story much like Handey's fuzzy memories:

It was a nice day. Everyone was happy because the weather turned out to be good. Since we made the time pass by doing some interesting things, even the ride was a lot of fun. We got there at lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon having a terrific time. Although everyone was tired at the end of the day, we agreed that we'd like to do the same thing again next year.

Can you even guess what event the writer is "describing"? I don't think so. The only picture I formed when reading this was of a bus and that’s just a guess. But I have no idea  what time of year it was, what the weather was like, what the group did on the bus or at the lake, much less what they want to do next year because the writer didn't use specific words.

Write Brain Activity:

Rewrite the paragraph, replacing the vague underlined words with specific details. It will be fun to see what different events writers come up with.

Church Bloopers and Deadly Disasters

Huh? Whaa? Could You Be More Precise, Please? 

Sometimes ambiguous sentences are more than confusing or annoying. Sometimes they’re downright hilarious. These bloopers are supposedly real church bulletin announcements.  

Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement Friday afternoon. [You better reserve your spot.]

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. White to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. [She must be special. My chickens can’t lay eggs on command.]

 Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mother’s Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in the study. [This church deserves any ridicule it got for being so patronizing to mothers.]

 The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the men will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in. [I’d rather go to a snake-handling church, myself.]

 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 

 Today—Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality course, 1 p.m. -8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

Five Ways Miscommunication Led to Disaster

Oh, sure, these are funny examples of the wrong message being sent. But how many fights, deaths, and even wars occurred because of mistatements? Click here for Five ways miscommunication led to disaster.

As you proofread, root out any ambiguities. They may be a matter of life and death.