Deborah Heal

I Bet They Didn't Mean to Write THAT!

Location. Location. Location.

We know what we mean when we write, but sometimes we leave the reader scratching his head. And as always, the burden is on the writer to convey the information in a way that’s least likely to confuse. What error do these examples all have in common? Answer: the modifying phrase or clause is in the wrong location.

Yoko Ono will talk about her husband, John Lennon, who was killed in an interview with Barbara Walters. [Wow! What an interview that must have been!]

After years of being lost under a pile of dust, Chester D. Thatcher III found all the old records of the Bangor Lions Club at the Bangor House. [It’s a wonder he could do anything at all.]

Bound, gagged, and trussed up nude in a denim bag with plugs in her ears and tape over her eyes, Cleveland teacher Brenda P. Noonan told yesterday how she was kidnapped to Florida without knowing where she was going or why. [That must have made for an interesting interview! Way to use visual aids, Mrs. Noonan.]

Please take time to look over the brochure that is enclosed with your family. [How’d they get my family to agree to that?]

I wish to express my thanks to the Post Office for the great, kind service they give and for the patience they have with little old ladies in mailing packages. [Poor Dears!]

(from Anguished English by Richard Lederer)

Write Brain Activity:

I bet you could you rearrane the sentence parts to make better sense. Post your best revisions below.

A Delete Button for My Mouth

Some People Are So Sensitive.

At our recent family reunion I found out that some of my relatives just can’t take a joke. Apparently, one is not supposed to make comments about people’s photos. All I said was, “Ha, ha. Uncle John, we need to retake that family photo because you look like a child molester in the first one. Ha, ha.” I knew he was the sensitive type when he turned and glared at me. Hey, I was just joking. Sheesh! If I thought he was really a child molester I wouldn’t have said it out loud!

Ever felt like you couldn’t get a word in edge-wise at a noisy family gathering? Here’s a good idea: make some thoughtful comments about current events. When I offered my insights about the
dangers of Afghanistan to the aunt whose son is being deployed there in January everyone got so quiet.

But when you want to liven up a family reunion, there’s nothing like a few verbal funnies. It was hilarious. You should have seen Aunt Bertha’s face when I called her Alice by mistake. Anyone
could have made that mistake. Three times in one weekend. Alice-Schmalis! Everyone knows that’s Uncle Fred’s last wife.

I happened to overhear Aunt Darla and Aunt Sue theorizing on the possible cause of what they called my “thoughtless” comments. All I could hear (before they noticed me lurking in the hall) was
something that sounded a lot like:

Tourette’s Syndrome

Early-Onset Dementia

Brain damage

Arrested Social Development

Inherited Tactlessness

Okay. So maybe I should brush up on my social skills. It’s just that when you spend most of your days at the computer writing you don’t need to worry about the social niceties so much. And
if you make a mistake, there’s always backspace and delete. I often marvel at how difficult for writers it must have been in the olden days before word processing, especially for those authors of the giant tome, like Dickens or Dostoyevsky.

Too bad there’s not a backspace or delete button for my mouth. I’m not sure, but I may have offended other Sensitive Types that weekend, but that’s all I remember. They should just get over it, because love means never having to say I’m sorry.